Putting it into practice

Using emotion coaching to develop your adolescent’s emotional intelligence.

Empathy

Emotion coaching involves communicating empathy and accepting your adolescent’s emotions.

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What is empathy

Empathy is considering someone else’s perspective and recognising how they feel. It involves communicating understanding and acceptance of their feelings without judging them.

But having empathy for an irritable adolescent is not always easy!

What helps you have empathy for your adolescent

To help you empathise with your adolescent, it is useful to try and step into their shoes and imagine how they might feel. Common challenges faced by adolescents include:

not being invited to a party
being excluded in a social media post
finding out that someone has shared their secret
not being selected for a play or sports team. When an adolescent is emotional, you might ask yourself the following questions:
What would a similar situation be for me as an adult?
How would I feel? For example, when your adolescent is emotional about not wanting to go to orientation day, try to avoid being judgmental (e.g., ‘Why do you have to be like that! Stop being so reactive!’). Instead, try the following:
Take a breath.
Consider an adult equivalent situation (e.g., starting a new job) and how you might feel (nervous, excited, overwhelmed). Let them know that you understand (step 3 and 4 of emotion coaching – ‘It’s really hard going to orientation. Pretty stressful!’).
Pause and see what they say. Listen, and reflect back to them what you are hearing. Are there more emotions you can name?
When you’ve seen them settle a little, come back to talking about what might make it easier to go along to orientation (step 5 of emotion coaching – ‘I wonder if there is something special you could take with you to give you strength tomorrow?’). You can talk to them about their language or behaviour (if it was not appropriate) at a later time. This conversation will be more effective when they (and you) are not so emotional.

While talking, you can communicate your understanding and acceptance of their emotions. Some of these ways of showing empathy are described below.

Ways of showing empathy

Key points:

You can use words or gestures to show empathy.
Empathic sounds, touch or a hug are often effective.
Your facial expression and body language can also show empathy.
Empathy may or may not involve naming the emotion.
Use few words. Often it is just about being there. You should use your knowledge of, and experience with, your adolescent to decide what will be the best way to show empathy for them.

Examples of empathy words and phrases include:

You love that game!
Oh, dear…
That really hurts!
That’s scary
Yikes!!
Oh, how sad
That’s really upsetting!
It’s tricky!
Gosh, how annoying!
That would make me angry too!
I know. It’s so hard to wait!
Yes, it’s difficult trying to get on with everyone
You’ve tried so hard. That’s disappointing.

Emotion coaching with different intensities of emotion

Emotion coaching depends on how strong the emotions are. You may not use all 5 steps of emotion coaching in one conversation. When emotions are smaller, all 5 steps of emotion coaching may be possible and effective.

When emotions are bigger and stronger, we might only use step 1 and 2 of the 5 steps. We can notice the emotion and see it as an opportunity for emotion coaching. We might talk less or wait until later to continue emotion coaching to help them solve the problem. We may be able to use step 3 and show a little empathy but avoid questions and minimise talking. Useful phrases include:

’this is awful’
‘it means a lot to you’
‘it’s really upsetting’
‘you really need space right now’.

Emotion coaching with adolescents often happens across a number of interactions. Problem solving may not be possible until they are much calmer.

Similarly, when we are very angry ourselves, it is not the right time to emotion coach. Instead, we would try to build in a pause and model healthy ways of managing our anger. Keep in mind that your adolescent may copy the way you handle emotions.

See the below video for information on how to emotion coach at different levels of emotion.

This video is also available in 10 languages. Select your preferred language on the translations page.

https://player.vimeo.com/video/1044555177?autoplay=0

Emotion coaching depends on how strong the emotions are

View transcript

What works for your adolescent

Adolescents are different in what works for them when it comes to emotion coaching:

some might want to talk through things in the moment when they are emotional
others need more time and stops and starts in the conversation
some need a simple response and then to be left alone
some like to have their emotions named
others want empathy without naming emotions.

Many adolescents don’t like to talk much. That doesn’t mean they don’t benefit from emotion coaching, but the conversation might not be ‘deep and meaningful’. Sometimes just putting a name to the feeling can be enough to calm a young person.

Sitting with emotions

Part of step 3 of emotion coaching, empathy, is that you often need to ‘sit with’ the emotions your adolescent is experiencing. Doing this in a supportive way helps them work through their feelings. Too often we try to ask them questions or suggest solutions. This can make things worse and they can withdraw or react with anger.

When your adolescent is filled with strong emotion it may help to ‘sit with’ their emotions.

With adolescents, being close/nearby and saying less is often what they need to help them become calmer. Try to be present (i.e., not on a device yourself at this time) and in a place where there are not lots of other distractions or people (a quieter space). This also communicates that you accept their feelings (although you may talk further about their behaviour later).

Additional information

A key part of emotion coaching is being with your adolescent when they are feeling emotions but not having to talk a lot. You can’t change how an adolescent feels. Many problems are not able to be solved.

To sit with emotions, it is often just about listening, being supportive and being present. You can communicate acceptance with:

body language (hand gestures, your shoulders, facial expressions)
a calm warm tone of voice without saying much. Showing your acceptance of your adolescent’s strong feelings lets them know they are loved. This allows them to work through their feelings. Further, when you communicate that you see the underlying more vulnerable emotions it can help to shift their anger and irritability. Your own slow breathing without lots of talk or questions can also assist your adolescent to breathe in similar ways. This connection can help your adolescent develop comfort with experiencing intense emotions.

But the idea of sitting with big emotions may be uncomfortable for many adults. The idea that as a parent you might remain quiet and communicate acceptance with body language, non-verbal responses (umm’s, yeah’s, wow’s…), and simple empathy (it’s awful; it hurts so bad; how annoying) may seem like it would be a waste of time.

You might wonder if by sitting with the emotion, you are spoiling your adolescent. Or perhaps you wonder whether you are reinforcing their reaction or making the emotions even worse. You might also wonder if you can handle such intense emotions yourself. It can be a challenge as a parent to sit with your adolescent’s emotions. This is especially true if your own emotions were dismissed, avoided or punished when you were a child.

Understanding the importance of sitting with emotions is critical. Being able to do this with your adolescent may also be an important new way of being together.

Where parents develop this skill, research has shown that children and adolescents learn to express emotions in healthier and less destructive ways.

Many parents feel they have to speak, reassure, give advice, and fix the problems when their adolescents experience emotions. It is how we are wired as parents – to help our kids when they are in pain or overwhelmed. Yet one of the best things you can do when your adolescent is very emotional is to stop talking and instead just listen.

Sitting with their big emotions is often all that is needed. Remember WAIT – Why Am I Talking.

The following tips might help you ‘sit with’ emotions:

Show that you are listening with your body language. For example, you might mirror their body language (providing it is not aggressive and threatening) by sitting in a similar way. You might also show this with your non-verbal responses like sighs or big breaths out.
Try to accept their feelings and show empathy. For example, you might say: ‘it’s really stressful right now’ or ’that’s so annoying!’ Avoid judgement such as ‘don’t be silly’.
Allow time – when adolescents are emotional, they need time to calm down before they can think clearly.
Empathetic, supportive responses from you help them to calm. Lots of talking can stop them from feeling calm.
Sometimes you need to just zip up your mouth and listen. Listening quietly with less talk, advice or action is often needed to help your adolescent work through their feelings. WAIT – Why Am I Talking.
With adolescents, less is often more.

Problem solving

Once you have used the first 4 steps of emotion coaching, and you and your adolescent are calmer, you might guide them with problem solving.

Help them explore options using open-ended questions. Let them know you have confidence they can work it out. Try to avoid coming up with the solutions yourself unless they are unable to come up with any ideas. For example:

What do you think you could do?
What would help make this easier?
You are good at coming up with ideas… this is hard… what have you thought of?

Additional open-ended questions you can use

Once you have used the first 4 steps of emotion coaching, (especially empathy – e.g., ‘it’s hard working out what to do…’; ’this is a tough one…’), and you and your adolescent are calm(er), explore possible solutions. Some of the following questions might be useful:

What do you think would help?
What have you tried before?
What else could work?
What do you think would help us when we are both rushed/stressed like that?
What would (name of a friend/special person) do/say/suggest?
Perhaps sleep on it and see what comes to mind tomorrow.
Yes, that is a good option. Are there other things that might work?
What would make this less stressful?
What could you say/do first?
You are good at knowing what will work. Maybe have a break from it and see what you think of later.

See if you can notice new emotions. You might acknowledge and empathise with these or name the feelings you think are being felt (i.e., return to step 1 of emotion coaching). Then keep asking more open-ended questions about what they could do and avoid jumping in with solutions or suggestions. For example:

‘Ah, yes, that sounds unfair – I wonder what you could do about that?’

If they say ‘I don’t know’ or ‘nothing’, acknowledge that it is hard to think of solutions and suggest you might be able to come up with options together. For example:

‘Yes, it’s hard to work out what would help. Shall we think about it when we’ve had dinner?’

Support the choices your adolescent makes. For example:

‘That might work. Why don’t you give it a try and see how it goes’
‘That’s one possibility – can we think of a couple more so that you can have a few to choose from?’

If you are trying to problem solve about a conflict you have with your adolescent, all of the suggestions above can work. You can also let them know you find this difficult.

Ensure you have let your adolescent know that you understand and accept their emotions first before you name your own emotions. Try to remember to pause to allow your adolescent to talk as well, like as follows:

‘This morning was stressful. Are you okay?’

(Pause…)

‘I’m sorry I yelled. Mornings are difficult for us.’

(Pause…)

‘It’s stressful for you when I yell, and it’s stressful for me when we are running late.’

(Pause…)

‘Do you have any ideas how we could do this differently?’

(Pause…)

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Updated 27 March 2026

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