Emotion coaching depends on how strong the emotions are

https://player.vimeo.com/video/1044555177

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[On-screen text: Emotion coaching depends on how strong the emotions are]

Professor Sophie Havinghurst: Emotion coaching always begins with the first four steps which allow emotions to become less intense. [words ding] [line dings] [on-screen text: 1. Become aware of your adolescent emotions. 2. See their emotions as opportunities. 3. Listen and accept their emotions. 4. Help name their emotions.]

[screen swipes] This is often followed by quietly listening, allowing time for your adolescent to calm or share with you what’s happening. The last step of emotion coaching is where you might help them solve problems or even negotiate boundaries. And this is best done once the young person is calmer and there’s more connection between you.

[screen swipes] So we often tend to rush emotion coaching. We jump in and try and talk lots when the adolescent is filled with their emotions. This can make adolescents feel really pressured. The result is they often get angry, [adolescent growls] they yell, and they storm off.

[screen swipes] And sometimes you might notice they’re very irritable but you might not respond immediately and you might instead check in with them later. So sometimes it is about slowing right down and not speaking very much.

An important part of emotion coaching is also finding the right time to talk both for you and also for your adolescent.

So see if you can identify times when your adolescent is more open to talking. Often this is at bedtime or when there’s no eye contact. Have a look at some of the written tips for how to handle different intensities of emotions both your own intensity of emotion but also your adolescent’s. [screen swipes]

Dr Christiane Kehoe: Adolescents differ in what works for them when it comes to emotion coaching. Some like to have their emotions named while others might find this patronizing. And they just want empathy without naming the emotion.

Some might want to talk through things in the moment when they are emotional and others need a lot more time and stops and starts in the conversation. So you can really use emotion coaching over time. It doesn’t have to happen all in one go.

Many adolescents don’t like to talk much and that doesn’t mean that they don’t benefit from emotion coaching but parents may just not get a sense of a deep and meaningful conversation out of them. Regardless, empathy, where you are using language like, “That’s so hard… wow. “Oh no! Really? “How cool! “Ohh, yuck!”

So these expressions that you’re making that let your young person know that you’re on board, that you’re listening, these are a lot more non-confronting ways of naming emotions. And you can also use emotions, but you’re using them more in a way where you’re coming from the heart.

So instead of saying something like “You’re sounding really angry right now,” you might just say something like, “Ohh, how irritating! “That’s gutting. “Yeah, so stressful. “Oh, I’d be so furious.”

And when you’re coming from the heart and when you really mean it this can help your adolescent feel a lot more accepted, more understood, and much more close to you. [soft music]

[End of transcript]

Updated 4 July 2025

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Emotion coaching depends on how strong the emotions are

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